


Warrant

by PompousPickle



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Axton is salty over dumb things, Gen, Humor, Vault Hunter 2.0s have bonding time over wanted posters, slice of life on Pandora
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 22:02:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PompousPickle/pseuds/PompousPickle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The wanted posters are all over Pandora. And Axton has a problem with every single one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Warrant

**Author's Note:**

> Finally decided to start uploading all of my Borderlands fics so there in one place. Forgive me for the tag spam.

The first time they noticed their posters, it was when the Vault Hunters first arrived in Sanctuary. More accurately, the first time _Axton_ noticed their posters, it was in Sanctuary. The other three were off exploring, giving little mind to the litter on the walls or on the streets.

“Hey guys!” Axton called them over the minute he saw them, running to the wall to get a better look. “Not bad, not bad!” He grinned, looking at the picture of his face. “Wish they used one of me smiling but I think it captures my rugged good looks.”

Sal looked over at the posters and stroked his chin. “Your neck looks too thick. As fat as a skag’s brain is empty,” he added with a chuckle.

“Just be glad they didn’t include your height, pal,” Axton added, looking over at the two others. Maya seemed less than impressed. Then again, that might just be her resting face. Hard to tell, to be honest. And Zer0 was…well, Zer0.

“Thirty two billion? / An insufficient amount / I deserve higher.”

Axton then glanced down at the numbers. 

“ _5 billion? War crimes?”_ Axton scoffed at the paper, tempted to rip it off the wall. And he would have, if he didn’t look so darn attractive in that photo. “I’ve done more political assassinations than I can count and I’ve done all of the things on Sal’s poster.” He paused for a second. “Well, _most_ of those things.”

“It was one time!” Salvador shouted uselessly, motioning towards the ‘cannibalism’ on the poster with a frustrated grunt.

_“Right._ But who decided that _this_ ,” Axton said, motioning to the entirety of his body, “Was worth less than the rest of you?”

“They’re just stupid numbers, Axton. I’m worth 720 billion just by virtue of being a Siren. I haven’t committed a crime in my life.”

“Other than murder,” Zer0 chimed in motionlessly.  

“And stealing. And ransom.” Sal contributed.

“And public indecency, if we’re going down that road.” Axton added, with a slight grin on his face.

“It was one time,” Maya said with a stern tone, but her lips curled slightly as if remembering the day. “I have my doubts that Hyperion would actually pay anyone who brought us in anyway.” She sighed, stepping away from the wall without any further comment, inspiring the rest of the group to disperse as well.

Salvador clapped his friend on his back with a wide smile. “Don’t worry _Papi._ By the time we’re done with them, they won’t be able to offer _enough_ money just to have us killed.”

“Damn straight,” Axton replied, pulling out his turret box and kissing it lightly, putting it away with a rakish grin.

**_\----_ **

By the time Gaige had joined the Vault Hunters, they had collectively committed over 20,000 acts of murder, 79 acts of arson, and at least seventeen robberies.

 By the time Krieg started following them around, they had done all that and then some. Plus three acts of littering.

So how was it that the number on his poster hadn’t gone up? Not even a little? “Oh come _on,_ ” he muttered, more to himself than anyone. He tore the poster up and tossed it on the ground. He could have sworn the littering thing would have worked too. He even tossed a few porn magazine pages around in Opportunity. Nothing helped.

“Good god Gaige you committed _one_ murder and you’re worth _that_ much money?”

“Jack’s jealous of my robot,” Gaige said with a non-committed nod, offering Axton some of the chips she was eating. He reached into the bag and began to chew thoughtfully. “Couldn’t make his half as cool.” Axton merely gave a small nod in agreement, still tossing around ideas to make his bounty higher in his mind.

“We have other things to worry about. Like the fact that Krieg is apparently ‘property of Hyperion’. That’s probably going to be a mess to work out” Maya sighed, turning her attention towards the hulking Pyscho, who was currently using toes collected off of Bandits to reenact scenes from popular ECHOdramas. “In the end, the bounties are just stupid numbers made up by Handsome Jack.”

“Then we have to kill Handsome Jack.” Axton said loudly, with as much conviction as he did making strategies for the battlefield.

“Well of course we do/We always had to kill Jack / He is a douchebag.”

“Yeah but now it’s _personal_.”

Axton did his best to ignore the collective groan from the others.

**_\----_ **

Axton finally dropped the subject. For days. Months, even. Other things came to matter more. Getting to the Vault Key, Mordecai’s bird, helping various and assorted friends, and then the whole debacle with Angel. And that list wasn’t even close to all-inclusive. For the most part, the posters went completely ignored. The others assumed he had forgotten about it.

Until when they were in the Vault, with the Warrior dead and Jack at gunpoint.

“Nine hundred billion.” Axton finally said, breaking the collective silence crackling around him.

“Ex _cuse_ me, Bandit?”

“You heard me. Call your bounty-maker at Hyperion over ECHO. Right now. I want my bounty raised to nine hundred billion. At least. Maybe more. As much as money as you have. _All_ of the money. And twins. Swedish twins. _Hot_ Swedish twins.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack chuckled, punctuated by a slight wheeze from his sustained wounds. “What was your name again?”

“Oh that’s _it_. Do it, Lilith.”

“Thought you’d never ask, Killer.” Lilith said with a satisfied  grunt, slamming her palm into the man’s face, ripping that stupid grin right off of him.

\---

Four months later, Axton was worth approximately 20 dollars and nineteen cents in bounty costs.

No one likes to talk about it.


End file.
